She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You're like the curious george of whores
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
