I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
