Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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