Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
