This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
