Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
