My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
