Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
