i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
