Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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