last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
