Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
