I wish I only lived at night.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
