Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
