If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
