The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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