I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
