The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
