Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
