i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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