she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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