new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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