you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
