I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
