Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
