Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I have already put on my inside pants.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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