I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
