You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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