I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
