and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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