my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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