I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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