Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
