from now on my penis is your penis
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
jump out the window naked night went bad
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