i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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