Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
