I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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