I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
