There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
