Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
