mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
