I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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