Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
