I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
