Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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