life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
