Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just want nice things and good sex
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
