the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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