Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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