The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
