I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
