When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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